Rambling thoughts

I’m not the same person I was last year.

Or the year before that.

Scratch that. I’m not even the same person I was five minutes ago.

I’ve been fighting this urge of putting things into words.
Five minutes ago I was afraid of rambling on about the same things I usually do.

I suddenly think I have the right to. For me. For my own sanity.

I think so strongly about everything that I often find myself changing opinions, convictions, thoughts, moods. Every little thing is an excuse to view the world in a different colour!

Please, don’t think me inconstant. I can be very loyal and stubborn when I want to.
And that’s where the problem lies. There’s always something even the most spontaneous people find hard to change.

The one thing I’d like to feel is ever evolving, is the one that stubbornly (that’s a key word in my behavior, I can tell) stays the same: my feelings. My thoughts and my heart were never the best partners in crime. They tend to pull in different directions. And most of my hyperactive state of mind comes for their constant struggling to overcome one another. Curse my natural state of being a meticulous strategist and a hopeless romantic at the same time!

Lately, I’ve been thinking…grey.

Summer, with its blazing sun, used to bring all these colours into my soul, and, somehow, they’ve been mixing themselves all wrong, until a dull grey is all I can see. It’s like there’s this lingering cloud above my head that’s ready to explode, but never does. It’s utterly frustrating.

These past few years have not been kind and adulthood hasn’t given me any answers (or wisdom on how to cope with it).
I’d like to think it’s just a phase. I always do. But I guess even the most hopeful people have it rough once in a while…

Scratch that! You know what? I’ve decided that, until I can look myself in the mirror and flash a genuine smile, I’ll probably be ok.

So let me ask this one favour of you, if a day comes where I don’t seem to recall how to smile in your presence, don’t let it sit still. Don’t let it go by as “just a phase”. Please, tell me to remember I’ve been doing this thing called “life” for quite some time, and I’ve not been doing a bad job.

And if you care to completely wake me up from that hazy grey dream, stay like you mean it and bring a little bit of colour in your pockets. I will surely paint you a whole new world full of rainbows and pots of gold. A beautiful childlike wonder!

What about that? Maybe I’m not so different than I was back then, uh?

Hey, little one.

Hey, little one.
Yesterday, I let you down once more and I’m sorry for that.

I know that you’re angry and that I promised to treat you more kindly, to hold you more carefully and to listen to your needs more frequently…but alas I failed once again and, ultimately, I always let you suffer the worst blow.
We’ve been through so much together: climbed too high walls, gave ourselves so many times, trusted too often, cried too much, sang too loud and fought too fiercely with one another.
I’ve seen you grow and I’ve watched you bring so many good people into my life.

The truth is this is not the first time I’ve wronged you.
We’ve been here before and every time we’ve come out of it stronger.
But how much strong can we get before we run out of energy? Out of hope?
I’m exhausted right now and you’ve always been a bit weaker than I.

I know you’re not so little anymore and that you crave your space and your freedom.
And I, honestly, want to grant you that wish.

After all, you’re the sole reason I’m still here, alive and breathing.
This time, I was too stupid, too hasty, when I should have listened to your slow step…when I should have walked a bit slower, mindful of your pace, of your time.

I’m sorry for not trusting you.

I’m sorry for letting you tumble.

I’m sorry for scraping your knees and your hands in the hard pavement again and again.

I promise I’ll get better one day.
And I know you’re immense and will forgive me in no time.
Until then I’ll kiss your bruises and place those plasters gently upon your wounds.

And when, finally, they get all healed up, it will be Spring again, dear Heart.

Rainy Days

One day, you’ll wake up and she’ll be gone.
There will be no note, letter or text left explaining why or where she is headed to.
She won’t leave anything behind besides that empty space in your bed or her scent in your sheets.
At first you won’t care – you never do – thinking she will eventually return. But hours turn into days…days turn into weeks…and weeks into months. And when the thought that she actually left you for good, this time, settles in your mind and, most importantly, in your heart (that place that should have woken up the moment she took a step out of your goddamn apartment), you notice it’s been quite some time (years even) since you saw her face, the twinkle in her eye, the smile that rendered you speechless the first time you met.
You, finally,  catch on the fact that you miss her.
Right after the conclusion dawns, you understand the reason why she left. And with that discovery comes the realization of what could have made her stay – your love.
But it’s too late now and she’s just one of those missed chances that don’t usually come back.

The next time you see her, it will be in a random coffee shop or train station. Maybe even just passing by her on the other side of the street.
She will linger her eyes on you, a bit surprised at first, and the figment of a smile will play in the corners of her lips; her hand will rise painstakingly slow, as to carefully wave.
But, before you have time to respond, she’ll be gone once more, without a trace.
On that day, the rain will fall again.

Se quiseres.

Se quiseres entrar, deixa ficar a vergonha de lado.

Deixa as incertezas para outro alguém, que não tenha visto já os cantos do teu sorriso ou a firmeza da tua palma da mão segura.

Se quiseres entrar, despe os preconceitos e deixa a gargalhada soar.
Que importa que olhem para ti e te pensem louco?

Que diferença faz a opinião deles, se é aqui que queres permanecer?

Se quiseres entrar, traz o coração.
Sempre foi de bom tom trazer presentes na hora da visita.
Não são precisas flores, chocolates ou garrafas de vinho.

Traz-te a ti, ao teu coração generoso e às tuas meigas palavras (traz as más, também, que tudo o que é demais é exagero).

Se o teu desejo é ficar, lembra-te de trazer amor. Daquele que faz borboletas no estômago ou nos faz sentir flutuar no meio do oceano.

Traz o amor que acorda de madrugada para pousar o olhar em quem descansa. Aquele que se lembra das datas importantes, das mensagens por responder e dos beijos na testa antes de adormecer.

Traz o amor que carrega frases doces nos lábios e nos braços, mas que sabe ser duro quando a vida pedir.

Traz o amor que se zanga, que discute, que não entende, que duvida e faz gritar e chorar…mas que acaba sempre por ceder à conversa e ao compromisso de ideias, vontades e opiniões (porque a harmonia é sempre mais importante e o crescimento e a paciência precisam de ser aprendidos).

Traz o amor que aperta, gentilmente, as mãos e preenche os espaços por entre os dedos…mas que, desesperadamente, procura todas as curvas, relevos e reentrâncias de um corpo por explorar.

Traz o amor que tem esperança, que sonha com o futuro, que vive o presente e que não esquece o que o passado lhe ensinou.

Traz o amor.
E a vontade de sair nunca aparecerá.

I like you, so what?

Do you think about it?

Have you ever wondered “what if I stay a little longer”? “What if I hold back a little less”?

I have. I do.

I’ve been slowly falling for your kind eyes, your sweet smile and the way you always cradle my hands when I’m feeling cold. There’s something about you that’s totally new and very familiar at the same time. Like a new book from your favorite writer or a new song from your favorite artist. I find myself in you, sometimes, and that makes me so comfortably excited!

Please don’t ask me when it all started. I wouldn’t know what to answer.

Maybe it was on that day we held each other so tightly, I thought my heart would explode (even though we eventually let go, never to talk about it again)…or that time I wanted to stay a little longer, but was afraid I might be overstepping your boundaries…because, we have to admit, they exist. We so often hide from everyone, that we end up hiding from each other as well.

The fact is I still don’t know if you like me or not.

And, hopefully, you’re wondering the same about me.

You always were a man of few words and I have always been great at beating around the bush.

But, today, I was struck with an immeasurable need of saying it, so here it goes: I like you…very much indeed.

I just hope you don’t run away, feign ignorance or decide what we have right now is enough…
And if you do, it will only mean we were never meant for each other from the start.
You weren’t the one. I wasn’t the one.

But if you do feel the same, tell me. Because I want to love you (hopefully, one day) with no fears, no doubts or misunderstandings.

Will you let me?

Day 2

I often wonder…can I?

Am I allowed to fall in love with you?

There’s something so fragile and so right about what we are when we’re together…so often do I restrain myself on telling you how warm and cheerful your words sound to me, afraid something might shake us…I’ve been there so many times…and each one had failure sitting on the front row.

I am not the young soul I was all those years ago, when love first started blooming in my chest. I sincerely need to believe love is supposed to happen to me. And I so want you to be the reason I do…
Maybe I’m reading too much into your hands and your arms and your smiles. Or simply being impatient. I was never good at understanding when the time was right. At least not when it comes to love.

It’s so easy to fall in love with you, even though you might not believe it. And I’m just human, you know…

I’m sorry if this sounds ridiculous in your ears, if it offends you in any way or if I misunderstood something in the middle.

I promise I’ll keep my soul hidden, my feelings in check, until the day I’m absolutely sure of your heart.

But, if for some vague chance, you share these hopeless thoughts with me, search my eyes. And my constant admiration and, I dare say, love will be there for all to see, you most clearly.

Day 1

 

Today, is the day I gave up on you.

I’ve never been enough.
Not strong enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not forward enough.
Not patient enough.
Not captivating enough.

And, as cliché as it may sound, it’s not you. You have been nothing but kindness, understanding and good humour (and everyone knows how weak I am for anyone that makes me laugh). I’ve lived for the saying “Good things come to those who wait.”…But I reached a point in my life where I need reassurance. I ceased playing games and waiting for things to move on their own accord. I want everything and I want it now!

I know you’re not quite there yet (if ever you were, in the first place…I’ve been loosing my touch on how to read people)…
So, today, I decided this would be the last day.
The next time we meet, I’ll just be that girl you like to talk to once in a while, the one who’s always complaining about how life is unfair. The butterflies will have settled and the eagerness to see your face will have died down.
The conversations will be less and less, till the day we only remember each other on birthdays…and even those, time will be sure to erase once in a while.
I’ll go back to empty inboxes, melancholic tunes and romance novels.

Life will go on. It never waited for anyone either way.

One day, in the years to come, I will find this little note, in an old notebook, and I will remember your smile. And in that day, maybe you’ll finally hear about me again.