Hey, little one.
Yesterday, I let you down once more and I’m sorry for that.
I know that you’re angry and that I promised to treat you more kindly, to hold you more carefully and to listen to your needs more frequently…but alas I failed once again and, ultimately, I always let you suffer the worst blow.
We’ve been through so much together: climbed too high walls, gave ourselves so many times, trusted too often, cried too much, sang too loud and fought too fiercely with one another.
I’ve seen you grow and I’ve watched you bring so many good people into my life.
The truth is this is not the first time I’ve wronged you.
We’ve been here before and every time we’ve come out of it stronger.
But how much strong can we get before we run out of energy? Out of hope?
I’m exhausted right now and you’ve always been a bit weaker than I.
I know you’re not so little anymore and that you crave your space and your freedom.
And I, honestly, want to grant you that wish.
After all, you’re the sole reason I’m still here, alive and breathing.
This time, I was too stupid, too hasty, when I should have listened to your slow step…when I should have walked a bit slower, mindful of your pace, of your time.
I’m sorry for not trusting you.
I’m sorry for letting you tumble.
I’m sorry for scraping your knees and your hands in the hard pavement again and again.
I promise I’ll get better one day.
And I know you’re immense and will forgive me in no time.
Until then I’ll kiss your bruises and place those plasters gently upon your wounds.
And when, finally, they get all healed up, it will be Spring again, dear Heart.
One day, you’ll wake up and she’ll be gone.
There will be no note, letter or text left explaining why or where she is headed to.
She won’t leave anything behind besides that empty space in your bed or her scent in your sheets.
At first you won’t care – you never do – thinking she will eventually return. But hours turn into days…days turn into weeks…and weeks into months. And when the thought that she actually left you for good, this time, settles in your mind and, most importantly, in your heart (that place that should have woken up the moment she took a step out of your goddamn apartment), you notice it’s been quite some time (years even) since you saw her face, the twinkle in her eye, the smile that rendered you speechless the first time you met.
You, finally, catch on the fact that you miss her.
Right after the conclusion dawns, you understand the reason why she left. And with that discovery comes the realization of what could have made her stay – your love.
But it’s too late now and she’s just one of those missed chances that don’t usually come back.
The next time you see her, it will be in a random coffee shop or train station. Maybe even just passing by her on the other side of the street.
She will linger her eyes on you, a bit surprised at first, and the figment of a smile will play in the corners of her lips; her hand will rise painstakingly slow, as to carefully wave.
But, before you have time to respond, she’ll be gone once more, without a trace.
On that day, the rain will fall again.
Deixa as incertezas para outro alguém, que não tenha visto já os cantos do teu sorriso ou a firmeza da tua palma da mão segura.
Que diferença faz a opinião deles, se é aqui que queres permanecer?
Traz-te a ti, ao teu coração generoso e às tuas meigas palavras (traz as más, também, que tudo o que é demais é exagero).
Se o teu desejo é ficar, lembra-te de trazer amor. Daquele que faz borboletas no estômago ou nos faz sentir flutuar no meio do oceano.
Traz o amor que acorda de madrugada para pousar o olhar em quem descansa. Aquele que se lembra das datas importantes, das mensagens por responder e dos beijos na testa antes de adormecer.
Traz o amor que carrega frases doces nos lábios e nos braços, mas que sabe ser duro quando a vida pedir.
Traz o amor que se zanga, que discute, que não entende, que duvida e faz gritar e chorar…mas que acaba sempre por ceder à conversa e ao compromisso de ideias, vontades e opiniões (porque a harmonia é sempre mais importante e o crescimento e a paciência precisam de ser aprendidos).
Traz o amor que aperta, gentilmente, as mãos e preenche os espaços por entre os dedos…mas que, desesperadamente, procura todas as curvas, relevos e reentrâncias de um corpo por explorar.
Traz o amor que tem esperança, que sonha com o futuro, que vive o presente e que não esquece o que o passado lhe ensinou.
I feel sad.
It’s not very often that I take time to assess how I’m feeling.
But, today, I felt an abnormal desire to occupy my mind with things that make me happy: an extra five minutes in bed, a glass of orange juice in the morning, videos from my favourite youtubers, an apple cider at lunch, good music while I get dressed, a doughnut and a romantic comedy in the afternoon and cuddling with my cat.
The thing is, after all that, I still felt quite sad.
And when I feel sad, I have the horrible tendency to desperately search the reason why.
And then I conveniently start to overthink the matter and I end up over exaggerating everything that’s wrong with my life.
As a result, I become even sadder.
And to top it all off, I’ve always been such an easy weeper.
That’s when I usually tend to shake up whatever I’m thinking and get on with my life, until the next time I feel depressed again.
Not today though. I stopped myself from shaking off those feelings and I let them sink in.
What’s wrong with being sad?
I know every reason why (although not every solution they require) and some are, predictably, out of my hands. But that’s quite a common predicament, isn’t it?
Although I live in a world filled with injustice and unkindness far worse than the ones I get to experience in my daily life, I’m still allowed my sadness and my worries. Because I’m human and emotions are what makes us who we are. Why then should I feel ashamed of not feeling happy?
All this to say, I’m sad. And that doesn’t mean that tomorrow I will be.
But, if by chance, I find myself again on the verge of shaking my sadness off my shoulders, I will let it rest and “comfort” me for as long as she deserves it.
Because, after all, she’s part of what I’m made of too.
Do you think about it?
Have you ever wondered “what if I stay a little longer”? “What if I hold back a little less”?
I have. I do.
I’ve been slowly falling for your kind eyes, your sweet smile and the way you always cradle my hands when I’m feeling cold. There’s something about you that’s totally new and very familiar at the same time. Like a new book from your favorite writer or a new song from your favorite artist. I find myself in you, sometimes, and that makes me so comfortably excited!
Please don’t ask me when it all started. I wouldn’t know what to answer.
Maybe it was on that day we held each other so tightly, I thought my heart would explode (even though we eventually let go, never to talk about it again)…or that time I wanted to stay a little longer, but was afraid I might be overstepping your boundaries…because, we have to admit, they exist. We so often hide from everyone, that we end up hiding from each other as well.
The fact is I still don’t know if you like me or not.
And, hopefully, you’re wondering the same about me.
You always were a man of few words and I have always been great at beating around the bush.
But, today, I was struck with an immeasurable need of saying it, so here it goes: I like you…very much indeed.
I just hope you don’t run away, feign ignorance or decide what we have right now is enough…
And if you do, it will only mean we were never meant for each other from the start.
You weren’t the one. I wasn’t the one.
But if you do feel the same, tell me. Because I want to love you (hopefully, one day) with no fears, no doubts or misunderstandings.
Will you let me?
I often wonder…can I?
Am I allowed to fall in love with you?
There’s something so fragile and so right about what we are when we’re together…so often do I restrain myself on telling you how warm and cheerful your words sound to me, afraid something might shake us…I’ve been there so many times…and each one had failure sitting on the front row.
I am not the young soul I was all those years ago, when love first started blooming in my chest. I sincerely need to believe love is supposed to happen to me. And I so want you to be the reason I do…
Maybe I’m reading too much into your hands and your arms and your smiles. Or simply being impatient. I was never good at understanding when the time was right. At least not when it comes to love.
It’s so easy to fall in love with you, even though you might not believe it. And I’m just human, you know…
I’m sorry if this sounds ridiculous in your ears, if it offends you in any way or if I misunderstood something in the middle.
I promise I’ll keep my soul hidden, my feelings in check, until the day I’m absolutely sure of your heart.
But, if for some vague chance, you share these hopeless thoughts with me, search my eyes. And my constant admiration and, I dare say, love will be there for all to see, you most clearly.