I’m not the same person I was last year.
Or the year before that.
Scratch that. I’m not even the same person I was five minutes ago.
I’ve been fighting this urge of putting things into words.
Five minutes ago I was afraid of rambling on about the same things I usually do.
I suddenly think I have the right to. For me. For my own sanity.
I think so strongly about everything that I often find myself changing opinions, convictions, thoughts, moods. Every little thing is an excuse to view the world in a different colour!
Please, don’t think me inconstant. I can be very loyal and stubborn when I want to.
And that’s where the problem lies. There’s always something even the most spontaneous people find hard to change.
The one thing I’d like to feel is ever evolving, is the one that stubbornly (that’s a key word in my behavior, I can tell) stays the same: my feelings. My thoughts and my heart were never the best partners in crime. They tend to pull in different directions. And most of my hyperactive state of mind comes for their constant struggling to overcome one another. Curse my natural state of being a meticulous strategist and a hopeless romantic at the same time!
Lately, I’ve been thinking…grey.
Summer, with its blazing sun, used to bring all these colours into my soul, and, somehow, they’ve been mixing themselves all wrong, until a dull grey is all I can see. It’s like there’s this lingering cloud above my head that’s ready to explode, but never does. It’s utterly frustrating.
These past few years have not been kind and adulthood hasn’t given me any answers (or wisdom on how to cope with it).
I’d like to think it’s just a phase. I always do. But I guess even the most hopeful people have it rough once in a while…
Scratch that! You know what? I’ve decided that, until I can look myself in the mirror and flash a genuine smile, I’ll probably be ok.
So let me ask this one favour of you, if a day comes where I don’t seem to recall how to smile in your presence, don’t let it sit still. Don’t let it go by as “just a phase”. Please, tell me to remember I’ve been doing this thing called “life” for quite some time, and I’ve not been doing a bad job.
And if you care to completely wake me up from that hazy grey dream, stay like you mean it and bring a little bit of colour in your pockets. I will surely paint you a whole new world full of rainbows and pots of gold. A beautiful childlike wonder!
What about that? Maybe I’m not so different than I was back then, uh?