A letter to a friend 4

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Dear friend,

I pray you find yourself in good health and high spirits.
How I long to write you with good news about my journey through life, for once.
Lately, it seems I’m only able to share my sorrows and misfortunes with you.
I fear, this time, won’t be any different.

In all honesty, I’ve been wishing time would stop for a while. Just so I could take a breath and prepare my heart for what’s coming next.
I’ve been watching life happen these past few years. Waiting and living and loving and working and failing and waiting again.
But when I have the time to stop and look at where I’m standing I find myself endlessly in the same spot.
I remember you telling me, not so long ago, good things come to those who wait. I’ve been fortunate enough to witness it happen to you and to relish in the happiness it brought to your eyes. But I can’t help feel left out and a tiny bit jealous that I’m not the receiver of such good graces…because I too have waited for so long and, when waiting was not enough, I have fought for even longer…still, everything has been constantly denied to me.
Believe me when I say I am grateful for everything good that comes my way! And that I am perfectly able to rejoice in the small and simple things of life. I just wish they would stay for a little longer than they do. Just long enough so I could feel my life is not a series of ups and downs with no sign of getting a deserved rest. Because I do deserve to rest. And I do feel exhausted, my friend…

Is it too much to ask for a life where you don’t have to dread what the following day will bring?
To arrive home, at the end of a full and fatiguing day at work, but happy that whatever you’re doing makes your heart soar and your mind awake?
Or is it too much to ask for a person to understand you when you can’t even understand your own self and share with you the little somethings that make life an adventure?
Someone whom to buy chocolates and flowers for? Or someone to taste the food you so carefully and proudly prepared?
A kind soul to share a blanket and lie with, when sleep takes over your body and dreamland makes it’s nightly visit?

I’ve been a good friend, a good daughter, a good student, a good person.
And somehow I feel all this goodness has been in vain.
If good people are not the kind who deserve the best, who is?
I want to believe that being genuinely good is the right way to go. That noble feelings like love and kindness are still what touches and moves us so deeply through the course of our brief lives on earth.

You’ve told me once that my future would surely be brighter than my present, because, although rejected and let down at every step of the way, I never backed down or gave up fighting. But if you allow me to be honest with you, as you have always been with me, my dearest friend, I don’t feel like fighting anymore.
And the funny fact is, that after I came to this realization and acknowledged my awkward trail of thought (so opposed to what I always believed in), I became frightened. Frightened because, above anything else in this world, I’ve always wanted to live. I still do!
I still dream of waking up in the morning after a long and peaceful night of sleep; of having piles and stacks of books scattered around the house and keep buying new ones, although I have no space to store them anymore; of actually getting to read them all; of having a dog, a cat, a ferret, a turtle and an aquarium full of fishes; of feeling my love returned once again; of making that love the most precious thing I’ll ever hold; of watching endless sunsets filled with vivid orange colors; of living in a small cottage near a quiet river; of strolls in the park hand in hand, while the wind caresses the flowers in bloom; of whispered conversations beneath the moon and stars; of parties and dinners full of friends, laughter and good wine; or kisses so light as a feather’s touch.
I deserve and want this with all my heart!

Don’t get me wrong, I know I have my own faults to attend to. Too many if you ask me.
I’m insecure, stubborn, lazy, immature, clingy, selfish, weak, jealous, vengeful, loud, clumsy and over-emotional.
I often over-think, over-act and over-care.
But on top of all this, I’m just human. And I believe, as humans, we have this inherent aptitude to be wrong, to be flawed, to feel incomplete and misunderstood.

So, I’m sorry if this letter sounds depressing and hopeless.
I’m sorry I can’t fully share your so rightfully deserved happiness.
I’m sorry your love and friendship aren’t enough to cure my sadness, my emptiness, my new found apathy.

So as not to leave you so dejectedly, I can only promise that, after this apparent and fleeting rest, I’ll be back to my old self.
Because, besides all the faults in my character, I have qualities too.
And my human condition compels me to be optimist, kind, warm, loyal, fun, friendly, responsible, nice, creative, lovable and lovely, smart, calm, helpful, huggable and hard working.

Now on a final note: have you ever noticed I’m the most contradictory person you have ever met?

Your undeniable and constant friend,
A.J.

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