A letter to a friend 2

 2014-05-05 11.05.18

Dear friend,

A few months have passed since we last spoke or seen each other.
So much has happened since…it feels like a lifetime!
I find myself growing everyday in age and in understanding. Solitude can be a great ally in the discovery of one’s thoughts and feelings.

This time, I wish I could tell you I found what I was looking for.
In fact, for a very brief time of my recent life, I thought I did.
But as you might have guessed from my use of the past tense, another failure has come my way.
Please don’t be alarmed!
I had the time to grieve and think abundantly about it, before I addressed the matter with you. It’s in the past now.
And I’ll be myself again in no time! My “unwavering smile” as you so often and kindly called it, is ever present and steady.

He was the most amiable soul I have ever crossed paths with. With such kindness and sensibility. A true gentleman, like you always wished and imagined it would be.
I was given a tender love to hold, and I cared for it as if it were a new born baby in arms.
Maybe I was too excited, or just too inexperienced…maybe too young or too naive. I don’t really know.
For once, I couldn’t care for nothing about him but his love. And in the end, I couldn’t convince him of that.
Although our attachment was rather short, I was certainly happy it happened…I am still.
He let me down as gently as he could and, although I couldn’t see his face, I always imagined he had left me with a smile on his lips. And I thank him for that everyday in my prayers.
I watched him go silently, as I always do, without any angry words or big fights and resentments. Just a “Goodnight” whispered from the heart, a promise to remain friends and a couple of tears who fell unseen.

I feel I did the right thing, but I can’t help but wonder what would have happened had I lashed out and cursed like so many of our sex have done before. They always seem to get exactly what they want. I guess I’ll never know…

Meanwhile, I grow older by the day. Time quietly keeps flying away in front of my eyes, and with each new day gone my heart sighs with another wasted ride.
Will it ever find a place to rest?
As an undeniable part of who I am, my hopefulness and my optimism tell me yes. But even the most patient and strong heart can waver in it’s fight.

I am tired, my dear friend, immensely tired.

And I wish I could have your shoulder to lean on, in this moment. You always knew what to do, what to say or not to. Your love was always unwavering and unconditional…even when we were apart. And for that I will eternally be grateful to you.

As for the rest, the love and the life denied to me, I’ll keep believing in them…I’ve heard they’re quite unpredictable, most of the time!
Who knows if I might get surprised again one day?
And when that day comes, I want you to be the first to know.

Between the plans for the future and the rush of the present, I’ll keep my memories alive and ready, so I can look at them whenever my heart appears to stop or my eyes get too dry.
After all, emotions are a great part of what makes us human, don’t you think?

Eternally your friend,
A. J.

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